Reason #1:
They save you time.
Anyone who’s ever attended an office holiday party knows the awkward dance that is the Make-Your-Own-Bloody-Mary bar. Waiting in line, finding the right ingredients, making lame small talk with Janice in HR while you try not to spill tomato juice on (or in) your Valentino bag. It’s a nightmare.
Which is why showing up with some pre-mixed Bloody Maries is is the way to go. Three cheers to synergy!
Reason #2:
They taste just as good, if not better, than make-your-own Bloody Marys.
Do you really want to be up all night experimenting with beakers to determine the correct horseradish to tomato juice ratio for a drink? Or would you rather let the experts handle that for you? Personally, when a doctor tells me I need to have surgery because my spine “looks like a spiral staircase out of an Ian McEwan novel,” I opt not do the procedure myself.
Reason #3:
They make a statement.
Bringing a bottle of red wine to a holiday party is fine. A pitch right down the middle. But showing up with not only a Bloody Mary, but a premixed one in a can, totally unbeholden to the laws of tradition and nature? That separates you from the pack. That earns you RESPECT. That gets you the corner office. And not even Bryce, with his square jaw and perfect hairline, will be able to muster much of an argument against it. God, I hate Bryce.
Reason #4:
It’s the perfect drink to throw in the face of that weasel, Bryce, who’s trying to steal the Peterson account from right under my feet.
Thick. Viscous. Spicy. When it comes to drinks with dramatic flair, you’ll find none better suited for throwing at your enemies than the Bloody Mary.
In canned form, it becomes a twofer; you can bonk Bryce on his perfect head without having to worry about the collateral damage of a glass.
Reason #5:
They make a statement (cont'd).
Seriously, it cannot be understated how badass you will look sipping on one of these. A Bloody Mary? In the cold of December? Your fellow party guests will be all but forced to reconsider what kind of rakish debonair resides among them.
“I bet they go on safari in Milan,” they’ll say.
“Do you think they’ve ever fought a shark? I think so.”
If your drink is an extension of your personality, then a Bloody Mary tells everyone that you’re strong but balanced, smooth but seasoned, and as healthy as an apple. A tomato?
Sorry, this whole Bryce thing is really driving me up a wall.
Jared Jones is a writer of immense talent and even more immense humility. His corporeal husk currently takes residence in Boston, MA.”
